Dear Valued Client:

Happy Valentine’s Day!

Today, as you know, is the time-honored commemoration of either a mass execution or ancient Roman goat-flaying ceremony, and I thought, “Hey, what’s a better way to celebrate than by reaching out to the most important person in my life- MY CLIENT?”

Perhaps you think that I, like some other lesser freelancers who-shall-not-be-named, am just PRETENDING that my client is the most important person in my life, but I assure you that since Doug left me for that cocktail waitress, I am focused solely on your needs. On your needs alone!

Quite, quite alone.

… SO I’M HAVING A LITTLE VALENTINE’S DAY PARTY!

You are cordially invited to my apartment for a fun, festive evening! I’ve bought seven pounds of heart-shaped candy and dug out my old fondue pot from the closet – I’m pretty sure I got all the cat hair out of it, no worries if you have allergies or whatever – so come over around 7, and we’ll have a rare old time! My apartment is 110 Smith Street, Apt. 2; the buzzer is broken, but just throw something at my window. It’s broken, anyway. Like me. Since Doug went away.

… Hahahaha, just kidding! Just a little dark Roman goat-flaying humor there.

Can’t wait to see you and discuss how to best improve your current content management systems! Please RSVP.

Sincerely,

Bad Freelancer (plus Miss Kitty)

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Dear Valued Client:

I assume you did not get my previous email, since I got no response – darn those overzealous Spam folders, am I right – but I wanted to remind you about my SUPER FUN VALENTINE’S DAY FONDUE PARTY!

I’ve now bought three packs of Velveeta – nothing makes a fondue like Velveeta – and a four bottles of champagne, so if you could just RSVP, ASAP, OMG, LOL, that would be so great. In the meantime, I’ll just open up this champagne – it’s getting warm, and it’s happy hour somewhere, right?

I am so excited to tenderly spoon-feed you delicious warm Velveeta while discussing how to make your social media really “pop.”

Sincerely,

Bad Freelancer

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Dear Valued Client:

Whoops, I am so embarrassed. One glass of champagne went right to my head and I realized perhaps you have not responded yet BECAUSE…

… you are worried you can’t bring a guest!

Don’t be so SHY, silly! I can actually accommodate any number of your wealthy client friends who happen to be looking for a freelancer. In fact, since all of my other clients recently told me we needed a “break” because of my “work” and “attitude” and also “me”, my schedule is completely open and available! For you, Valued Client. Also for anybody else. Really. Anybody.

And I have plenty of champagne! Four- whoops, three bottles.

I can’t wait to chat about driving up your web traffinks!

Sincerely,

Bad Freelancer

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Dear Valued Client:

Pleas RVSP immediATeLY if you don’t want to miss out on this SUPER FON VALENTINE’S DAY FUNDUE PARTY! You know I respect you, Valued Client, you are my NOMBER UNE PRIORITY! But I can’t wait ON THIS fondu forever.

Miss Kitty’s getting hungry and also probably a littl drank – poor thing doesn’t know her limits, probaly cause she’s a cat and stuff – but she is VERY EXCITE to meet you! Somehow she drunk two of these botles of champagne herself with only a littl halp from me.

Bad kitty.

I’m gonto start heating up the VelvEta NOW because I know you are coming. I have faith, Valued Client, that you wont leave me Alone her. Not on Roman goat-flating day.

Rember, just throw something at my window and I WIL BUZZZ you IN! I AM SUPER EXITED TO SPEAK ABOUT YOUR SEO PAGES!

h.

Sincerely,

Bad Freelancer

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Dear Valued Client:

Ohhh, you think your SO COOL, huh? Well the joks on YOU buddy because me n Miss Kity ate ALL THIS Velveta ourselves and it was SO FON. It was the MOST FON FUNdue ever and the Roaman goat slayers would be relly proud of us. This Valentines Day rules and I don’t care if yu come at ALL Tonight because I am totalty okay and happy.

Not like Dough. Stupid Doug and his coktal watres.

OKAY If you are cumin after all, please RSVP. We stil have heart-shaped candies!!!11! Burt please bring champange. Miss Kitty drank it all. I think she has a problim.

I am very excited to speak about yOur content needs.

Sincerely,

Bad Freelancer

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Kate Shea lives and works in New York City, where she consumes an inordinate amount of Sriracha daily. You can catch up with her on Twitter at @katerone.