Dear Friends:

(and by “friends” I mean “potential and current clients” and by “current clients” I mean “Mom” – hi, Mom):

This friendly email is to remind you that YOU (yes, you!) are invited to my upcoming first-ever FREELANCE BARBECUE!

Now, I know what you’re thinking – what does that even mean? Why would a barbecue be exclusive to freelancers, only? Yikes!

Well, calm yourself. This event will NOT be chock-full of hungry freelancers, battling over burgers!

Instead, this super-awesome TOP EVENT OF THE SUMMER will feature sun, fun, and lots of opportunities for you to pay me advances for my services.

YAYYYYYYYYY! Woop woop, raise the roof, as the kids say!

Join the party (it's free!)

Become a member

See, I decided to host this get-together because I got tired of “conventional” networking events, in which other freelancers were doing uncouth things like “offering competing services” and “informing me that I was too drunk to dance on the bar”.

BLECH! How gauche! How exhausting for clients – meeting so many people, having to review so many portfolios!

What if, I thought, I made things simpler? What if there were one super-cool networking event GUARANTEED to match every client with an AMAZING freelancer?

The fact that this amazing freelancer happens to be me is just part of the sacrifice I make for you, my soon-to-be-favorite clients.

I am happy to invite you to this RAD BBQ PARTAY! Just as I am happy to take on the burden of each and every one of your easiest projects.

Don’t thank me! I will personally, with great joy, love, and care, cash all of your checks.* It’s just the way I am!
*please bring checkbooks

So this Labor Day, instead of enduring boring picnics and insipid barbecues with your lame-o family and your frankly pretty hideous kids, head on over to my COUSIN MIKE’S BACKYARD FOR:

• Splashy fun in a kiddie pool filled with tap water from Brooklyn’s finest faucets
• Saltines – served straight from the sleeve for maximum freshness
• Free sunshine (or rain, depending on weather)
• Check-signing practice sessions
• Music piped in live from my iPhone
• A super cool PowerPoint presentation about my freelancing business (be warned – I’m a master punster!)
• A chance to tour my cousin Mike’s house (please don’t touch anything - Mike is out of town and if he knows I was on the property it will be an issue)
• Three beers that I’m pretty sure Mike will never miss

Please RSVP immediately – don’t miss out on this exciting opportunity!

I notice that while most of you opened your Evites, none of you have responded; not even you, Mom. Maybe there’s some sort of system-wide Evite glitch.

I’d say to text, or call, but my cell provider and I are currently having a “disagreement” about my bill.

So… just show up! I’ll be the one picking Cousin Mike’s padlock.

All my best,

Bad Freelancer

P.P.S Please bring food; I won’t be providing any.

P.P.P.S: And a grill.

Kate Hamill lives and works in New York City, where she consumes an inordinate amount of Sriracha daily. You can catch up with her on Twitter at @katerone.