It’s a crazy world out there, freelancers. For every gig, there are dozens of applicants – and that means you need to make your resume and portfolio stand out from the crowd. Below are our top 7 tactics to get your application noticed!*

1. Length

Look at your resume right now. Ugh, isn’t it EMBARRASSING? How do you expect to impress anyone with those puny, ineffectual words, filling a mere one to two pages with curt drivel? My SUPERMARKET publishes longer fliers than this when advertising MEAT SALES. You need to fatten that puppy up.

Don’t settle for one-syllable words when two will do. Don’t settle for two if you can squeeze in three. Obscure synonyms are your friend. If your resume isn’t fifteen pages long and doesn’t contain at least twenty 7-syllable medical terms per job, you have already failed.

2. References

Sure, your last client might give you a nice recommendation. But how does that look compared to a rave from the FOUNDERS of GOOGLE?

… what are the Google guys’ names again? There were two, right? They seem like nice enough fellas, and you certainly use their services enough. They owe you. Just put their contact info down. It’s probably, like, foundersofgoogle@gmail.com or something. Whatever, whoever is manning that email account will probably put in a good word for you.

3. Lies

Not big lies, like… like, you rode dinosaurs to school as a child, or something. Just little harmless white lies, like about your work history and qualifications and education and stuff.

4. Atmosphere

Imagine, your potential client is going through a LAME, BORING stack of plain white resumes. “Ho-hum,” he/she sighs, turning his/her eyes to the ceiling, “Will nobody ever wow me?”

Suddenly, the scent of Chanel No. 5 fills their nostrils. They look down at the next resume in their hands – perfumed. Covered in glitter. Written in delicious frosting, on felt. Trembling, they open the optional media flap: Taylor Swift’s Blank Spaces plays. What is it?

Why, it’s Your Resume: a luxurious treat for all 5 of their senses.

WHO’S WOWED NOW, RIGHT?!

Wait by the phone for their frantic call. They probably wanna make you CEO.

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5. A sense of mystery

What’s your contact information? Wouldn’t THEY like to know. Play hard-to-get, and watch ‘em come crawling. Turn your name into a clever, cryptic anagram. Black out most of the digits in your phone number. Roll your eyes if asked for more information.

Only the worthy shall crack the code!

6. Crayon illustration

Listen, if your three year-old nephew’s drawing of the “fiewhouse” and the “fiewmen” is such a big stinkin’ deal that your sister had to send it out via email, wait until your clients get a load of your MIDDLE-AGED CRAYON SKILLS. Ornament your resume with a drawing of fiewmen with all FIVE of their fingers, thank you very much.

Plus, that’ll show your sister what-for.

7. Nudity

Wait, wait – hear me out.

Nobody forgets nudity.

*In case this needs to be said, you should not ever do any of these things. Except maybe the drawing of the fiewmen; I like fiewmen just fine.**

**Okay, not even the fiewmen.

Kate Hamill lives and works in New York City, where she consumes an inordinate amount of Sriracha daily. You can catch up with her on Twitter at @katerone.