9 Ways to Exercise in a Beard (or, you know, without one)

Feb 4, 2014

Bust your post-Super-Bowl-guacamole-belly with these great exercises for chronic sitters. If you're looking to copy our model Peter's style, sweatsuit from Adidas, shoes from Adidas, headband from roadside stall in Mexico, beard from the gods.

**1. I'm With The Bands **

Stand up straight with your feet hip width apart. Yeah, we know Peter's feet don't look far apart -- he has narrow hips. Narrow but manly hips. Place the band under your feet and hold the handles down by your sides. Curl your arms up toward your shoulders. Keep your elbows tucked in at your sides. Slowly return to the starting position. Repeat for three sets of eight to twelve reps, looking off into the distance.

2. The Droopy T

Targets outer deltoid (the muscles located in your shoulders). Raise your hands away from your body. Slowly return to the starting position. Feel free to do three sets of eight to twelve reps.

3. Praising Sun God Ra

Stand up straight, with your legs hip width apart. Flex your abdominal muscles inward and upward. Step forward with your right foot approximately 2 or 3 feet. If you are taller, you will need to step forward further. Bend your right knee until it forms a right angle and your left knee is almost touching the floor. Very important: Your right knee should not extend beyond the toes. Pause briefly, exhale and extend your right hip and knee to return to a standing position. Feel free to do three sets of eight to twelve reps while the Defense weeps.

**4. This Makes Me Board **

Engages abdominal muscles and oblique. Hold the top portion of a push-up where your arms are perpendicular to the floor. Your shoulders should be directly over the wrists and your abdominals engaged. Press the front of your quadriceps (thighs) up toward the ceiling while lengthening your tailbone toward your heels. Hold for 60 seconds. Increase hold time to build strength to fully embrace the wonderous Now.

5. The Three Point Stance

Engages abdominal muscles and oblique. Start in a plank position with your hands underneath your shoulders and your back flat (see above). Pull your knee up to your elbow and fully contract your oblique. Release and return your leg to plank position. Alternate sides. Twitch occassionally to spook your imaginary opponent's players.

6. This is Not a Pushup

Actually it is. Just trying to psych you out. Lie face down with hands slightly wider than shoulder width. Push your body off of the floor until arms are fully extended. Keep your body straight. Lower until your chest almost touches the floor by bending arms. Keep your feet close together and dig your toes into the floor helping to stabilize the lower part of your body. Exhale as you push to the start position. Repeat.

7. The Corpse

Lie on your back on the floor. Bend your knees. Your feet can be flat on the floor, or you can keep them suspended in the air during your crunches for a little extra crunch (more advanced).

Hug yourself. Lift your shoulders towards the ceiling using your abdominal muscles. To avoid back strain, do not lift your entire back off the floor. When your shoulders are off the ground, pause and hold that position for five seconds. Lower back down slowly as you inhale, feeling grateful for each breath.

8. Look, Ma, I'm Squatting With No Hands

Stand against a wall with your legs extended out. Your feet should be about 2 inches away from the wall. As you exhale, bend your knees to slide your back down the wall to a sitting position. Hold the position for 5-10 seconds. Breathe evenly. Move slowly back to the start position. You should not feel pain or discomfort in your knees at any time during this exercise. If you ever feel tired, assume fetal position.

9. Don't Forget to Stop and Smell the Fake, Mysterious Floor Flowers

Hamstring stretch. Because life is precious.

Many thanks to Peter Hilton, who also runs Freelancers Union's Facebook and Twitter feeds and is in a band, and Christina Buchanan, a freelance fitness instructor.