Clients!

I get it - sometimes paying on-time (or indeed, even paying at all) is soooo onerous.

But there are a few cases wherein a client is completely justified in not paying, or delaying payment, for freelance services rendered.

In light of the #FreelanceIsntFree Campaign, I, the bad freelancer, take it upon myself to share with you those special circumstances where not paying your freelancer is A-OK - so listen up, clients!

You may not pay, or delay paying, your freelancer if…

1. The first page of the otherwise-excellent project the freelancer sent you contains a long, liberty-taking limerick about your mother’s romantic prospects.

2. You do not, in fact, exist; instead, you were a figment of the freelancer’s recent fever dream.

3. You have recently gone into Witness Protection after unexpectedly witnessing a shocking mob murder. (Actually, you still have to pay, just under your new identity!)

4. You have been forcibly press-ganged by 19th-century naval reenactment enthusiasts, and are currently chained in the hold of a replica of a old-timey sailing ship, presumably on your way to fight the French.

5. Your building has burned to the ground, destroying everything including your last pen. Here - I'll lend you one; blue or black?

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6. The freelancer in question has been abducted by aliens, and you do not know how to properly address a payment to the Helix Nebula.

7. You have been mistaken, once again, for your evil twin. That darned payment-ducking evil twin! He/she is always causing you trouble.

8. The four winged horsemen of the Apocalypse appeared just as you were addressing the envelope, ripping the check out of your hands before swooping away to make the seas boil with blood, etc. etc. etc.

9. The global financial system has completely collapsed and all payment must now be made in furs, game, or berries.

10. In a shocking last-minute plot twist, the freelancer is the long-lost heir to an obscure but fabulously wealthy island kingdom.

I guess that he/she doesn’t need your check anymore, really, but I don’t know that you want to tick off the entire kingdom of Paradisia.

Not seeing your reason on here?

… then guess what? You should probably pay your freelancer!

Tired of hearing outlandish excuses for nonpayment - or hearing nothing at all? Join the #FreelanceIsntFree campaign today!

Kate Hamill lives and works in New York City, where she consumes an inordinate amount of Sriracha daily. You can catch up with her on Twitter at @katerone.