Dear The Government:

I have been very good this year and want a new iPod, Wii Bowling, a pony

… whoops, sorry, wrong benevolent fantasy figure.

Dearest The Government:

I have recently been reviewing my expenses in preparation for quarterly taxes due at the end of August, because my accountant claims that my time-tested technique of “waiting until the last minute/panicking/seriously debating faking my death” is not optimal.

Whatever, Accountant, that yachting accident was totally convincing. I’ve even seen a yacht before.

In service of this effort, I would like to submit 5 slightly “non-conventional” expenses as part of my freelance costs this quarter.

I think upon consideration, you will realize that these were crucial for keeping my freelance business running – and you know that America would collapse without my nonsense, right?

Ahahaha, but seriously – please please let me write these things off. Please.

Thanks,

Kate

PS: I would still like a pony, if you’re offering.

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1.) Two movie tickets, dinner for date night ($110)

Listen, my poor boyfriend has dealt with me obsessing about my project for two weeks and then crying and then ranting at walls and then doing obnoxious victory dances and then eating all the junk food in the house.

If I do not buy him dinner and a movie ticket he will probably leave me and then I will die of MSG poisoning , slumped over my laptop having eaten nothing but lunch-special Chinese food for three weeks, and then my cat will eat me and the government will be responsible for my cat and I just KNOW you’re allergic.

Plus then she will have a taste for human flesh, so watch out.

2.) Alcohol bought for all friends at bar in fit of generosity ($100)

No, no, this should totally count as a work expense. Because, my team and I just completed this massive project and we were having some beers and I was feeling teary and expansive and I have always wanted to say “THIS ROUND’S ON ME, GUYS” to, like, ten people as if I were Norm on Cheers or something.

In fact, I would count that as a professional ambition. Just give me a pass on that one. Come on. Be cool. Can we at least consider it money spent on a corporate account?

3.) Poorly-planned cab ride at 2 AM ($50)

That was the aftereffect of the aforementioned claim, so that should count as the same expense. Also the city-funded R train sucks after 11 PM, which is really on you guys.

4.) Birkenstocks ($100)

The high heels I wore to that interview were not designed for actual humans to walk on, okay? I was barely able to successfully wobble up to the receptionist’s front desk without snapping an ankle.

By the time I finally staggered out of the client’s office after face-planting in front of that security guard, the situation had become a medical emergency. A workplace injury, if you will. Thank goodness there was a shoe store next door.

Also, my friend has the same pair and they’re really cute.

5.) Pack of gum ($1.50)

I need something to snap jauntily while sitting in jail. Hahaha, just kidding - I hope.

Submit your absurd write-offs below!

Kate Hamill lives and works in New York City, where she consumes an inordinate amount of Sriracha daily. You can catch up with her on Twitter at @katerone.