There are some deep existential issues that keep me up in the middle of the night.

Why are we here? What is the meaning of life? And, perhaps most importantly… ARE CATS FREELANCERS??

This is a serious debate, one that First Lieutenant Meowzer and I have discussed at length. Below is my definitive list of points and counterpoints. The world cannot delay on this pressing issue: scholars, philosophers, and leaders must gather together and determine a definitive answer, and soon... or God help us all.

Yes, Cats are Freelancers:

  • They do not keep regular hours, preferring to do their loudest, most disruptive projects at 3 AM.
  • They do not respond well to authority figures. YOU KNOW WHAT “NO” MEANS, MR. WHISKERS, don’t make me get the spray bottle.
  • They excel at working from home. If you count staring at random invisible demons and then wildly bolting around the room as “working.”
  • Often creative – bet you have no idea what they ate or how they managed to puke all the way back there.
  • Enjoy acting as expert consultants on whatever you’re trying to do. Funnily enough, they often recommend sitting pointedly on the keyboard.
  • Prone to taking mid-day naps.
  • Inability to respond to own names suggests resistance to formal titles.
  • Enjoy reorganizing home offices for maximum efficiency/feng shui. That pencil holder should probably go on the floor. Oh, you put it back again? That’s cute, but it should go right back on the floor. Let’s just gently… bat… that… thing over the edge… oops, it broke. Plan B: Let’s hide under the couch!

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No, Cats are Not Freelancers. What is wrong with you?

  • They stink at retaining clients... unless the term “clients” entails traumatized mice.
  • Portfolios uniformly unimpressive.
  • If they’re freelancers, where are their 1099s for this year? Yeahhhh, no counterpoint for that, huh?
  • They relish structure, routine, and the firm establishment of who’s boss, as evidenced by their persistent 7 AM face-sitting wakeup call and their reaction whenever your brother decides to bring his terrier by for a visit.
  • Most freelancers don’t make your father-in-law’s asthma kick up (although that’s debatable ha ha ha am I right sob).
  • Inscrutable I’m-probably-thinking-about-murdering-you stare a little too intense for potential employers.
  • Although noted for athletic prowess and agility, programming skills are sub-par.
  • Hourly rate is too low.

They’re CATS. CATS. What. Is. Wrong. With. You?!!!

Please add your thoughts below – before this devolves any further.

Kate Hamill lives and works in New York City, where she consumes an inordinate amount of Sriracha daily. You can catch up with her on Twitter at @katerone.