If freelancers were always 100% honest, what might our texts look like? What if our clever tip-tapping thumbs could never lie? Who knows what truths our smartphones conceal?
Behold: the Honest Freelance Texts.
1. I’m so sorry I can’t come out to your birthday party tonight; I have spent the last 5 days working from home alone and the thought of speaking to anyone other than my cat fills me with fear and anxiety.
2. Heyyy, wanna hang out? I don’t feel like working, and because we freelance in the same field I can meet you for drinks and write it off on my taxes as “networking.” Side note: we have nothing in common besides an obnoxious client four years ago, but they were bad enough so that we can still base a whole friendship in complaints about them.
3. Sorry I forgot to return your last text! I forgot because I am too busy checking my mailbox every ten minutes for the check that was theoretically mailed last week. Also, no, I cannot come to dinner – because until the US Postal Service comes through, I am living off of Ramen noodles and stale bread crumbs.
4. Hey, I saw you called! I didn’t answer because I am screening calls to avoid actually talking to my client. If I don’t pick up he just emails and it takes half as long. He’s folksy and it’s… exhausting.
5. What would you like for dinner, honey? I’m procrastinating via planning elaborate meals to cook; I started a Healthy Food Pinterest Board! I will ultimately exhaust myself before you get home, and we will order takeout.
6. So sorry, I didn’t have time to clean the house today! I mean, yes, I did watch Netflix for two hours but that was part of my “creative process.”
7. Hey, I’m going to be late for lunch! I would have been on time, but I forgot that the outside world frowns on pajamas after noon, and I had to change. Also, I haven’t showered since I started this project, which was – wait. When was that big snowstorm? It was definitely before I grew the beard.
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8. How are you? Everything’s great with me, except for the fistfuls of hair I lost trying to figure out what percentage of the anti-anxiety medication I took to get me through my freelance tax season is actually, ironically, tax-deductible. The correct answer is: none.
9. Yes, I’d love to come meet you at the gym, Workout Buddy! Morning is great, except I will inevitably sleep through my alarm after staying up until 3 AM. When you wake me up, I will pretend that I was up late dancing the night away at some wild party – instead of sitting at home doing obsessive, nitpicky edits to my website after 4 cups of ill-advised evening coffee.
10. I’ll tell everyone my eyes hurt from doing invoices all day, but it’s actually about ¼ invoicing time and ¾ commenting on silly blog posts about freelancing…
*What’s something you’ve wanted to say, but didn’t? Or do you have a friend you can say ANYTHING to? *
Kate Hamill lives and works in New York City, where she consumes an inordinate amount of Sriracha daily. You can catch up with her on Twitter at @katerone.