It’s open enrollment season at Ye Olde Freelancers Union, yada yada yada, get health insurance! (Really, it's very important.)

But the really pressing issue is, what queries will you startle your doctor with when you show up for your checkups? Here I present to you: 11 questions to a doc only freelancers would ask.

1. “Do you recommend ingesting coffee via IV drip?…okay, but do you specifically NOT recommend it?”

2. “Is it normal for my eye to twitch violently every time I hear ‘third round of edits?’”

3. “Is it possible to become allergic to Photoshop?”

4. “Do intermittent surges of panic and adrenaline count as ‘regular exercise’?”

5. “Can I have an anti-anxiety prescription for the holidays? My Uncle Fred likes to ask me when I’m getting a ‘real job.’”

6. “My shoulders hurt because I’m constantly hunched over my laptop. Could you arrange some kind of cybernetic shoulder? You know I can’t give up the freaking laptop.”


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7. “You’re the first human being I’ve talked to all day. Will you be my friend?”

8. “Can I have a note with some excuse for missing my deadline?”

9. “I knew something was wrong with my vision because Netflix went all blurry.”

10. “How late can one wake up each day before one is officially nocturnal?”

11. “Does this office have WiFi?”

BONUS:

12. “What’s your hourly rate?”

Want to make sure you have a doc to scare with your frightening freelance questions? Check out our National Benefits Platform and get coverage today!

Kate Hamill is a freelance writer, playwright, and actor. She lives in New York City and consumes a truly frightening amount of Sriracha daily. Follow her on Twitter at @katerone.