The early bird gets the worm, they say – but when you’re not naturally a “morning person”, that worm seems pretty unappealing. With that in mind, here are 10 easy tips to turn even the most determined night owl into a chirpy morning bird!

1. The most important factor in a perfectly perky, energized morning? A sound night’s sleep! Get the best beauty rest possible by using professional-grade chloroform. I bet your creepy neighbor has some; just ask to borrow a cup.

2. Exercise is a great way to get circulation going in the morning! Arrange for a romantic partner (or, if none is available, a reasonably-priced temp) to cycle your legs vigorously starting at 5 AM. They may not wake you; they may, however, dress you in the Lycra fitness accessories of their choice. On non-cardio days, they may simply snuggle up to you and scream “BEAR!” in your ear. That old blood is pumping now, huh?

3. Coffee is a wonderful little pick-me-up for many people; unfortunately, side effects of caffeine withdrawal may include, anxiety, depression, nausea, restlessness, or difficulty sleeping. Solve this dilemma by never ever allowing your caffeine levels to drop. Instead, install a fetching IV drip. Bonus: friends will envy your emergency-room chic!

4. Some morning-lovers forego caffeine altogether, and swear by starting each day with a detoxing cup of hot water with lemon! Flee from these people. They will enslave us all.

5. A quiet, restful sleeping environment is key. Circulate a polite-but-firm memo informing all of the randy alley cats, rattling garbage trucks, inexplicable street construction operations, random singing drunks, blaring cars, and belligerent street-screamers in your New York City neighborhood of your new needs.


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6. Placing your alarm clock across the room is a neat trick for discouraging a case of the “snooze buttons!” It also significantly improves your shoe-throwing aim.

7. Ban all electronic devices from your bedroom, and prohibit screen time after 9 PM. If your spouse tries to watch Netflix at 9:30, divorce him. He knows who makes the *^&$-ing rules now, huh?!

8. When you first awaken, take a moment for a small meditation. Focus clearly on your motivation for waking up; what do you want to accomplish today? What are your goals? Really… really visualize them… just close your eyes for… a minute… just see it… do.. you… see… it? Mmm, that’sh… that’ssonice. Zzzzz...

9. Try taking several strong melatonin supplements just before bed! And by “melatonin supplements” I mean “martinis.”

10. So many of us have become disconnected from our circadian rhythms – and that translates to a cranky, fussy, fuzzy morning! Get back to your natural cycles by adopting a strict hunter-gatherer lifestyle. Move to a cave, fashion crude weapons out of sharpened rocks, learn how to tan hides, forget the written word. Poof! When you’re calculating how many spears you’ll need for a dowry, a lazy morning is the last of your worries!

Kate Hamill is a freelance writer, playwright, and actor. She lives in New York City and consumes a truly frightening amount of Sriracha daily. Follow her on Twitter at @katerone.