The early bird gets the worm, they say – but when you’re not naturally a “morning person”, that worm seems pretty unappealing. With that in mind, here are 10 easy tips to turn even the most determined night owl into a chirpy morning bird!
1. The most important factor in a perfectly perky, energized morning? A sound night’s sleep! Get the best beauty rest possible by using professional-grade chloroform. I bet your creepy neighbor has some; just ask to borrow a cup.
2. Exercise is a great way to get circulation going in the morning! Arrange for a romantic partner (or, if none is available, a reasonably-priced temp) to cycle your legs vigorously starting at 5 AM. They may not wake you; they may, however, dress you in the Lycra fitness accessories of their choice. On non-cardio days, they may simply snuggle up to you and scream “BEAR!” in your ear. That old blood is pumping now, huh?
3. Coffee is a wonderful little pick-me-up for many people; unfortunately, side effects of caffeine withdrawal may include, anxiety, depression, nausea, restlessness, or difficulty sleeping. Solve this dilemma by never ever allowing your caffeine levels to drop. Instead, install a fetching IV drip. Bonus: friends will envy your emergency-room chic!
4. Some morning-lovers forego caffeine altogether, and swear by starting each day with a detoxing cup of hot water with lemon! Flee from these people. They will enslave us all.
5. A quiet, restful sleeping environment is key. Circulate a polite-but-firm memo informing all of the randy alley cats, rattling garbage trucks, inexplicable street construction operations, random singing drunks, blaring cars, and belligerent street-screamers in your New York City neighborhood of your new needs.
Join the nation's largest group representing the new workforce (it's free!)
6. Placing your alarm clock across the room is a neat trick for discouraging a case of the “snooze buttons!” It also significantly improves your shoe-throwing aim.
7. Ban all electronic devices from your bedroom, and prohibit screen time after 9 PM. If your spouse tries to watch Netflix at 9:30, divorce him. He knows who makes the *^&$-ing rules now, huh?!
8. When you first awaken, take a moment for a small meditation. Focus clearly on your motivation for waking up; what do you want to accomplish today? What are your goals? Really… really visualize them… just close your eyes for… a minute… just see it… do.. you… see… it? Mmm, that’sh… that’ssonice. Zzzzz...
9. Try taking several strong melatonin supplements just before bed! And by “melatonin supplements” I mean “martinis.”
10. So many of us have become disconnected from our circadian rhythms – and that translates to a cranky, fussy, fuzzy morning! Get back to your natural cycles by adopting a strict hunter-gatherer lifestyle. Move to a cave, fashion crude weapons out of sharpened rocks, learn how to tan hides, forget the written word. Poof! When you’re calculating how many spears you’ll need for a dowry, a lazy morning is the last of your worries!
Kate Hamill is a freelance writer, playwright, and actor. She lives in New York City and consumes a truly frightening amount of Sriracha daily. Follow her on Twitter at @katerone.