“Mentor” is kind of a cumbersome word.

“My mentor” doesn’t exactly roll off the tongue. And it can conjure some weird Mr. Miyagi/Daniel-san imagery. Like 12 straight hours of car-waxing. Or practicing crane jumps in a rickety fishing boat. But, really (for me at least) mentorship means frank discussion, a seasoned perspective and valuable advice over email, the phone or a glass of wine.

Johnny, you need a new mentor.

We all need mentors. Friends, family and partners will listen to you vent, celebrate your success, and comfort you amidst failure. But all of that will definitely be mixed up in the complications of love, emotion, and personal relationships. A mentor cares about you and your career equally.

So, if you don’t already have a mentor how do you get one? If you’re still in school, you’re in a great position to find a mentor, as you’re surrounded by educated people who are used to guiding others. Workplaces are good, too. And that includes past jobs. A mentor you used to work with can be super helpful because they know you, and you have a common professional context, but you won’t find yourself talking about topics that are more about your company or organization than your career. If don’t have ties to a school or workplace, consider both in-person and online networking opportunities like After Hours or Hives.

How do you actually know someone might be a good mentor and not just a cool person? Here are some qualities to look for:

  • You want to be like them. It’s not just that they’re successful, but there’s something about them – specific skills, the way they manage people, a particular project or piece of work – that you admire.
  • **They’re a bit older. **Or at least much more experienced. I think we can learn a lot from our peers, but oftentimes they’re working on the same issues. Mentors have been through it already and want you to learn from their mistakes and accomplishments.
  • **They’re generous with their time. **This doesn’t mean that they’re always available. It may take a few weeks to get on their calendar, but when you do have the opportunity to connect you have their undivided attention.
  • **They have x-ray vision. **Not literally. But they can look at a situation or problem and help you understand the real issues. And opportunities. Good mentors can help you find the hidden learning opportunities in frustrating experiences.
  • **You feel energized after a conversation with them. **Good mentors don’t lecture you and tell you everything you’re doing wrong. Even when giving feedback that’s hard to hear, they find ways to assure you that you’re smart and capable (because they really do think you’re smart and capable).
  • **They’re humble and have a sense of humor. **I suppose you could have a decent mentor who’s cocky and humorless. I just know I can’t. If someone can’t laugh at themselves, I can’t take them seriously.
  • You always wish you had more time with them. But that makes the time you do have even more valuable.

Say you find someone with all this and more. Then what? Do you have to ask someone to be your mentor? Is there some kind of ceremony? No, I don’t think that’s necessary. The best relationships evolve organically, so ease into things by asking for small amounts of their time (e.g. a cup of coffee, ten minutes on the phone). Have a few key questions or topics you want to cover and, if things go well, ask if they’d be open to talking again sometime in the future.

And SAY “THANK YOU.” Always. Say it at the beginning and end of the conversation and again in an email the next day.

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